The Big Thing/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW (cheering) thank you very much. Very much. Thank you very much. Pretty exciting this week. It appears that a very important, big visitor is driving through the possum lake area. Let me guess, let me guess, let me guess! Uh, supermodel claudia schiffer. No, it's not a person. It's a thing. Oh -- fabio. (audience laughing) no, no, no, no. The road crew's on the main highway. They're widening her out for a super-transport carrying a big thing. What's this big thing called? Had lots of q's and l's in it. Doesn't matter -- it's not important. What matters is, it's a big thing. This is an occasion for any community. This kind of thing bonds a town, brings us all together for an event. You're talking tailgate party? A killer. (audience laughing) (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): We got a great show for you. I'm pumped. Mike will try to say the word "remorse". Speaking of sorry things, ranger gord is with us. There's a funny thing near the end of the show. And bring charcoal -- right, bye. Junior singleton found out that this big thing is coming on a custom-built trailer. That means it's special and really big. So... So what? You'll be cooking up your famous tailgate hot-dogs? No, I want to do something kind of special. Buster hadfield thought we could honour the big thing by having big food. Big food for big mouths. No, big food is too obvious. It's too on the nose. And on the face and the chin and the lap... It's gonna be quite a thing, harold. Everybody's all revved up. Everybody's excited, you know? The barber shop's booked. Women have bought new track suits. (audience laughing) it's just a big thing. Why turn everything into such a... ... Big thing? Yeah! Have you ever considered you shouldn't go out there? Maybe it's full of toxic chemicals. That's the ticket! I'll make my tailgate chili! Ohhhh! (applause) (red): Bill and I will assemble a high viewing stand so he can sit and watch the big thing. He'd asked me to come over and help him. I thought the van would come in handy. Sorry, bill. Hopefully, he has another plan. He needs a medical plan. Ok, this is the big one! For a pizza with everything on it, courtesy of the possum lake petting zoo, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Hamar to say this word. There you go -- 30 seconds and begin. Uh, all right, mike. When you feel sorry for something, that means you have... ... Been caught. No, uh... Have you ever felt bad about something? Um... Patrol car... Uh, holding cell... Don't guess. Handcuffs, solitary... Mike, you're getting on my nerves. Oh, I'm sorry, mr. Green. You're sorry -- that's what I want. When you're feeling sorry, you go to the person and you say you have... ... A plea bargain. (audience laughing) you're almost out of time. I'm doing my best. No, it's really... It's me. I'm just useless -- I can't do this. I'm a piece of garbage. I-I-I'm embarrassed, I'm so bad. You know what? I'm so bad... Mere words cannot express the dissatisfaction I feel, my dyspepsia... (harold): You're wrong. It's all over. My remorse. (ringing bell) aw, right on! Oh, that was close! (applause) ♪ oh, there's a happy whistling in the air ♪ ♪ everything's bright and clear ♪ ♪ you burned the hair off both of your arms ♪ ♪ and there's a piece missing from the top of one ear ♪ ♪ while you're waiting for the ambulance ♪ ♪ you review the things you did ♪ ♪ and the next time you start to barbecue ♪ ♪ you'll remember to open the lid ♪ (making explosion sounds) with this big thing coming through town and everybody getting out there to take a boo at it, I'll use "handyman corner" to show how you can rise above the crowd... Literally. When you go to public events like a stock car race or a mock lynching or a post office fire, you don't want to stand for minutes at a time. How do you get your chair six feet off the ground? You get yourself some of these inner tubes, lay one down on the floor, lay another one on top, and attach them, using rubber cement or elastic cord or -- that's right -- the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Once you got the duct tape on, take one of the inner tubes, stick her right on top, there. You wanna make sure that you line the valves up. Then you grab another one. Put it right on there. As I say, get those valves aligned, and grab another one. Same deal, same "nothing new here". Push that down. And now you take your chair... Put that right on top. Seal that up. All right. Sit down and start pumping. You'll get a whole new perspective. Now... (grunting) all right. That's got her. We'll just disconnect that one... And hook the hose onto the next... (air escaping) I could probably stand up and do this. No, there, we got her. Pump up the next tube. (grunting) ok, ok, yeah, ok. You should have thought of this. See what's wrong here? You should have started pumping the bottom inner tube first. What are you gonna do? You're gonna take the air out, start all over again. (grunting) and done! What do you think? I'll be able to see everything. Nothing's gonna get in my way. I'm looking over people's heads. I'll see for miles. I'm up here, comfy as heck. Can even peel a snack while I'm waiting for the big thing. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh! Uh-oh! Ooh! Ohhhh! There's nothing to see here. Keep moving... Ohhhh! Stay tuned -- I prove there's nothing funny about being afraid of spiders. Junior singleton heard that the big thing is less than 24 hours away. The best view will be from lovers' leap. That's what everybody thought. Half the town's up there. The weight was so much, the cliff collapsed. (audience laughing) lovers' leap is now lovers' lump. I'll go to that hill just to the west of dalton's place. You know the... The... The cemetery. No, that's packed, too. Instead of a tailgate party, it looks like a tombstone party. Looks like the dead have risen and are picnicking. There's still room by the mausoleum. Fine, I may not have the best view, but I'll have the best tailgate party. Did you buy tickets for the big-thing pool? What can you bet on? How many people will get food poisoning before the big thing arrives? No, harold, we're betting on the number of tires. I understand it weighs 30,000 pounds. A normal tire's 30 pounds pressure. I'm guessing a thousand tires. Excellent reasoning. I'm gonna make money. Well, I definitely will. I'm gonna videotape it. It's gonna be a commemorative video. It's gonna be the ultimate souvenir. You said the big thing was stupid and meaningless and irrelevant. It is -- it's perfect for television. (audience laughing) hi, ranger gord again. People don't know that a forest fire is a natural part of a forest's evolution. It clears the underbrush, and is the only way many coniferous trees can start to grow. My job as a forest ranger is to prevent forest fires. For the life of me, I can't remember why. (chuckling) it's "male call"! (applause and cheering) (whooping) ok, here's our first letter, from allan bertha in alberta. "dear red green, we absolutely love your show. "everyone we've turned on to the show "has raved about how great it is. "they're all rabid fans. "what a fine, fine programme." waaa-haw-haw! "the show is clever, thoughtful, and informative. "you're really a wonder "in canadian television. "long live 'the new red and green show.'" well, actually, it's not "the new red and green show". It's just "the new red green show". There's no "and". I may change my middle name to "and". Oh, look, ok. "my son's favourite part is when you race your boat." race your boat? I know what he means. Remember the water skiing, "adventures with bill"? Oh, that's, like, three seasons ago. Well, that's-- all righty. "we also like when you and your band sing." (audience laughing) no, they're talking about the campfire songs. Yeah, the campfire songs. I'm in a band! All right, um... "my dad's favourite part is the sports bloopers" -- ok, what? (audience laughing) all right, I-- uh, yes, yes. There is a part with sports bloopers on. I can't remember it right now. Thanks, I appreciate that. The important thing is that they like the show. "and when you and your wife and daughter "sing your closing song, we get a tear in our eyes." (audience laughing) "keep up the good work, or, as red and green always say, "'make hay while the sun shines.'" (audience laughing) uh, all right, all right. Well, uh, thanks very much, you know. Probably be more sports bloopers coming up in the future. We're gonna back off on singing with the daughters. I should tell you that. Until then, keep watching and, uh... Make hay while the sun shines. (applause) garth harble here, animal control. This week we're featuring insects. Come on in here, red. Something happen to your hands there, garth? Ok, all right. That's a good tip for you young people. If you're out in the woods and a beehive, or, for that matter, a hornets' nest should fall out of the trees, don't try to catch it. How many stings did you take, garth? Gee, I'd say 30, 40, 50, something like that. Had blurred vision for a couple of days. Boss wouldn't let me take any time off, just wouldn't let me drive the truck. I love that truck. So, is that your tip for this week? Huh? Your tip? Oh, no -- today we're talking about spiders. Don't like spiders. I know, I know. Arachnophobia. It's a common fear. But there's no reason for it, because 99% of the world's spiders are a valuable, harmless part of the ecological chain. It's just that most people don't want them around their house. So here's a tip. Take a piece of bread -- could be rye, pumpernickel, and soak that in water and sugar. Put that in a jar and keep the top off. Oh, gee, that doesn't want to come off. Give me a hand with it. How many, uh, how many you got in there? Oh, gee, I'd say, 1, 2, I'd say 600 or 700. Don't like spiders. Help me with it. Go on, go on, go on. Oh, catch it! Oh, oh, no! Oh, there he goes. They look angry. He's up that way. (laughing) another super day. Oops, there he goes. Right up there. (laughing) well, less than 12 hours until the big thing comes through on the highway. Speculation is going crazy around here. Nuclear reactor, space shuttle, pipeline. Maybe it's just all the copies to kevin costner's "waterworld". Uncle red, uncle red! The town's empty. The cemetery's empty -- everybody's gone. It's like that movie "brain suckers from mars", except our town's dumpier. There's a rumour that the big thing is too big for the highway, so they're bringing it up on the rail line. Let's go there. No -- everybody's gone. So we can go to the highway and get a good spot for our tailgate party. You started that rumour. That's dirty! I have no idea what you're talking about. Grab the bag. You told a fib to get a better parking spot. I don't like line-ups. How do you feel about police line-ups? How do you feel about mug shots? Wouldn't mind taking a shot at yours. (audience laughing) hi, there -- ranger gord again. In the 16 years I've been manning fire watchtower 13 I've observed all manner of exotic animal behaviour. But there's three things I still don't understand. First, why do foxes circle twice before they lie down? Why do deer stop and stare if you shine a light in their eyes? The third thing is, why do bears always scratch themselves against tree-- oh. Ooh. Well, maybe there's only two things I don't understand. (red): Meanwhile, I'm back with bill trying to make this scaffold, raised-up-thing. This is a three-legged ladder. It's used for picking things out of trees. Bill should have picked a better ladder. Then he gets an idea. Tie that off like a tether, like they do with a horse, a three-legged horse. They tether them off apparently. We'll use a third ladder as scaffolding. Kind of working in threes. It's a scaffold manege a trois. The ladder was, unfortunately, a little long. Rather than take the time to move the ladders, bill decided he'd horse her in there. What happened was -- whoa, whoa, whoa. Out come the legs. Out come the tethers. Don't watch this, kids. This gets violent. Boy, that's gotta hurt. This part here's no fun either. So we regroup and get that ladder tied up there. I'm getting out of there. Bill decides he's gonna... Boy, oh, boy. Amazing, isn't it? Don't try this at home, if you happen to have some three-legged ladders. He gets himself up there. He says he's got a good perspective to watch the big thing go by. What do you want? Huh? Oh, my gosh. He's gonna sit in a lawn chair. He's got his thermos. What's in there, bill? Intelligence? Look at him sitting there. Mind you, he'd added a lot of weight. Bill, do you notice something going terribly wrong? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh, oh. I told him this wouldn't work. Wait now. Wait a second. Yeah, this does give me a better view of the parade. Find out how hap got into "the guiness book of records". My uncle red can't be here right now. He's at the highway waiting for the big thing. That's where everybody is. They've got everything down there. There's hot-dog stands and chip wagons. Pony rides, they got pony rides. They got phone booths and portable toilets. It's like woodstock, but instead of having the best music, they've got... A really big thing. I wasn't the only one who had an idea about selling stuff. Dalton humphrey has got these. "I saw the big thing." and there's, uh... "big thing on board". It's for uncle red. "my folks went to see the big thing "and all I got was this little thing." harold, where were ya?! You missed the big contraption coming down the road, taking out poles, taking out trees, taking out lines. The big thing came?! No, no, no, moose thompson. He nailed five picnic tables to his truck for his party. He's barrelling into town. By the time he got there it was covered with laundry and pieces of birds. Yeah, oh, yeah. We gotta go. Bernice is holding our space. You folks watch this. Come on, harold. Here we are with hap shaughnessy. What are we fishing for? Speckled trout. The conditions are good. I think I'm gonna hook a big one. Might get into "the guiness book of world records". No, not again. Let someone else have a turn. You're telling me that you're in "the guiness book of world records"? Yeah, a few times. Have a category for b.S., do they? Probably. I'm in it for the world's longest kiss, the world's strongest man, and the world's fattest man: 972 pounds. And I set the record for the most weight ever lost by one person: 801 pounds, and the longest bungee jump. Those last two records were set the same day. You'll never guess what I found, hap. "the guiness book of world records". What page did you say you were on? All my records have been broken by now. Especially the world's fattest man. I guess this new guy just wanted it more. Without any proof, hap, it makes a lot of the things you say hard to believe. I don't care whether you believe me or not. I'm not out to set any records. I don't know, hap. Some of the stories you tell, you've got to be getting pretty close. Yeah, I guess he's right. Hey, handyman, here's a tip for ya. If you're trying to pull-start a lawn mower and it doesn't go on the first 117 tries, give it up. Otherwise you're gonna pull ligaments through this area, right up into the shoulder. And don't ever kick a machine with soft-soled shoes on. (engine starts) hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, you! Come back here. The big thing was a big bust. Didn't even show up. I think that road crew was having us on. What are you talking about? The big thing came by at 9:25. I didn't see it, harold. None of the lodge members saw it. Of course not! You were in the mini-putt thing all day. The rest of the guys were line dancing, riding the ferris wheel, in the beer garden. Was it big? Huge. What was it, harold? You can find out for merely $10, v.H.S. Or $12, beta. (audience laughing) I had to climb over brambles and rock in mercury creek to get these shots. I hung by a tree by my feet. But I am going to be rich, because I am the only one with footage of... The big thing. Everybody's gonna want one copy. Oh no, they're not, harold. Everybody's talking about the big thing for days. Not the big thing -- going to the big thing. Going on rides, playing bingo, eating barbecue, having the beer tent. That was the fun. Course, you missed that, but that's normal. But I'm the one who saw the thing that was carrying the big thing, I know how many tires it had -- 59. Great, I win. No way -- you said 1,000! Didn't have to get right on -- I'm the closest. (possum squeal) meeting time. Away you go, harold. Oh, cheer up. If my wife is watching, I'll be home after the meeting. I'd like to give you my prize because you are the big thing in my life. I hope that makes up for what I yelled on the roller coaster. I was using an expression. I wasn't referring to your mother. Thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (snoring) (harold): All rise. (red and harold): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. For more information on red green and possum lodge merchandise, call... Or find us on the internet at... Boy, this it too much!